Virginia's State of Mind: Headline news: Cain, Kardashian, Zuckerberg and sombreros

This column is supposed to offer a compelling and humorous perspective on current events. Some weeks are more challenging than others.

This week's headlines include: 1. Debate over Herman Cain's sexual harassment accusations; 2. Kim Kardashian is in Minnesota with Kris Humphries trying to get "closure"; and 3. Billionaire Mark Zuckerburg, who stole his Facebook idea from his friends, hacked Harvard University computers and dropped out in 2004, is welcomed back for a visit to campus with open arms. What more could I possibly say?

My son's preschool class is in the midst of "international month." In my opinion the sum total of international month is a lot of oversized craft projects. Thus far, the crème de la crème of the international craft projects is my son's sombrero, obviously made in honor of Mexico.
The problem with the sombrero is that while it's outstanding rehearsal dinner fodder, it's extremely large.
I have multiple boxes filled with my son's important stuff and mementos that hopefully he will one day cherish as memories of his childhood. No matter how adorable or important the sombrero may be, I'm not keeping it. The sombrero doesn't fit in any of the boxes unless it's folded like a fajita.
Why can't the teachers select more compact craft projects? Why can't they just color pictures of a taco or a chili pepper? The sombrero has been sitting on our kitchen counter for two weeks and every time it accidentally slips into the trash can, my son somehow manages to discover its location and rescues the sombrero from its impending doom.
The sombrero, like so many of its supersized craft cohorts, takes up unavailable space all over the house and worst of all — the car. I know mothers with even the most orderly homes that have rolling garbage cans for cars. Every parent battles with the daily challenge of trash litter, but there's nothing more annoying than the glitter glue, multi-felt piece, awkwardly shaped craft projects in various stages of assembly scattered all over the car.
Every time I speak to my friend Courtney she says one of three things, "I have to clean the car" or "I just cleaned out the car" or "I can't talk because I'm cleaning the car." Courtney's car mess is in great part due to the supersized, glitter glue art projects. Courtney is fighting a losing battle that will not end until her children go to college.
I've been observing my friends with older children. As the children advance in years, the supersized projects become increasingly costly, complex and mentally challenging for the parents. In my opinion, someone needs to reign in this potentially explosive situation.
I decided to take matters into my own hands for the benefit of all of the moms in my son's class. I gently pointed out to the teacher that the large craft projects not only take up a lot of space, but also use up a lot of paper, which frankly is not very "green." I provided other data points which I thought effectively presented a bipartisan case. I even mentioned the bit about high school, when ninth graders are expected to produce tri-fold freestanding pictorial boards with a supporting PowerPoint presentation. At the time, my point seemed extremely well received.
I am now responsible for the international crafts in my son's preschool class.The next country on the international month schedule is China and my mind is a blank. I scoured the Internet for ideas and every craft project I found involved permanent pens, sharp scissors or worst of all, paper mâché.I thought about having the children make fortune cookies but there are two problems with that idea: First, fortune cookies are a completely fabricated American-Chinese restaurant dessert. Second, the children can't write much beyond their own names. A blank fortune cookie would undoubtedly be bad luck in any country. I may be on the same path as the sombrero — doomed.
It's highly likely that my son will be contagiously ill the day I'm supposed do the Chinese craft project. I don't know why I was so eager to send the sombrero back to Mexico.
I should have been relieved they didn't make a piñata.

Columbus sailed a flat planet and invaded a land - not America

If you are going to continue to tell your children that Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America - why don't you also tell your children that the earth is flat.  Because if you are going to play the game: 'tell your kid a lie because it's easier' a 'flat planet' and the 'Columbus discovery of America' are equally not truthful.  In other words, a big fat lie based on no facts whatsoever. 

Furthermore, at one point in time, there was a bunch of people on the planet, including Columbus, who believed that the earth was flat.  Then someone said "The earth is a sphere and I have facts to prove it!"  The flat earth believers then said things like "Why do you want to rewrite history?"  Eventually, when rockets took off and looked back at the planet, took pictures of the earth and brought the pictures home as evidence - it could no longer be denied.  Everyone agreed the earth is definitely round and the science books were rewritten and parents finally told their children the truth.

How about everyone agrees to tell their kids the truth now.  Columbus did not discover America.  And telling your children the truth does not make you 'unAmerican'.  And you can't be rewriting history that never actually happened - you are writing the correct history for the first time.  Finally, yes, Columbus was a great discoverer, but so were the Chinese who came long before Columbus.

And last but not least - HOW CAN YOU DISCOVER A COUNTRY THAT IS ALREADY POPULATED?  There were many, many what we now call Native Americans already living in what we now call America.  A bunch of Anglo-Saxons and Europeans DID NOT DISCOVER AMERICA THEY INVADED AMERICA and then categorically annihilated an entire ethnic nation of Native Americans - ssystematically destroying their history and traditions.

Please man up and tell your children's teacher to tell your kids the truth.

Is this guy Columbus?


                How about this guy? Does he look like Columbus?

  This is also supposed to be a picture of Columbus.                      


  
Maybe this guy is Columbus?





or this guy?

                           

 





Keeping up with the Kardashians Wedding, Divorce and Gift Returns

How could Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries be getting divorced after only 72 days of marriage? I’ve stayed on diets longer than 72 days. Kim and Kris, or as I like to call them, Double K, appeared to be the one Hollywood couple that would stand united through thick and thin. I was completely shocked when I learned of the couple’s split, mostly because I didn’t know they had married. Still, it makes we wonder, “If Double K can’t make it, then who can?”

Even though I wasn’t invited to the intimate 500 person wedding, I feel like I was there since the couple made every detail available to the media. The planning, preparations and wedding was the subject of the E! Entertainment four hour, two day TV special, “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event.” The estimated $10 million dollar wedding, paid by E! Entertainment screamed “we are deeply committed.” Hopefully Double K’s pain is lessened by the $18 million dollars they grossed from their nuptials and surrounding events (accurate net profit and EBITDA numbers unavailable).  

Kim’s career as a famous person began four years ago when her mother Kris and step father Bruce Jenner (Olympian and Wheaties cereal eater) realized that three of their six children were very compelling on camera. With the help of a good publicity team, Khloe, Kim and Kourtney Kardashian became the focus of the E! Entertainment reality TV series, “Keeping up with the Kardashians.” Kim Kardashian launched into the stratosphere of stardom as viewers everywhere watched Kim and her family simply exist on the planet. Since then, her fame and fortune have exceeded expectations.

The couple must have received oodles of presents from wedding guests and well-wishers all over the globe. How could they possibly have time to open all of those presents in 72 days? The wedding gift returns will be a nightmare. I have a difficult time returning a shirt to a store with a 90 day return policy. What would Emily Post say regarding the etiquette of this situation? Kim’s assistant and publicity team have many sleepless nights ahead as they try to compose those thank you notes.

Fortunately, Kim’s monogram didn’t change when she wisely married a Chris with a ‘K’. Now she can keep his wedding gift, a diamond knot bracelet with two dangling diamond ‘K’s. On the “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event” TV special, her sister Kourtney described the bracelet and said, “She (Kim) normally picks out every gift that everyone gives her, so she was definitely surprised (by the bracelet).”

To be fair, Double K’s marriage may have been doomed before it began. The overwhelming public scrutiny during their nine month courtship would be stressful for any young couple. On the “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding: A Kardashian Event” TV special the emotional disconnect between the couple surfaces at times in Kris’s strained expressions and awkward unscripted dialog. I guess we all should have seen the writing on the wall when Kris asked Kim, “Are you not yourself when you’re around me?” and Kim answered, “No I am, I just like…You don’t know like a whole half of my life, you know?” Sager words were never said. Kim is absolutely correct. She did the math and surmised that 26 year old Kris wasn’t there for the first 15 ½ years of her life. How could the two possibly be expected to stay together when Kris has missed everything from her first words to her high school graduation?

As the newlyweds walked down the aisle, Kris could be heard saying, “Baby you’re my wife now.” In response, Kim said, “How weird is that?”  

She said it, not me.

Kim carefully makes the most important decision of her life, what nail color to match the ring?