In this age of political correctness I am now officially the coolest person you know. I have facts to prove it. Wait for it (this is awesome)…. I got the results of my DNA testing. (You should hear a drum roll in your head right now) I am part European, part Native American and part Sub-Saharan African. I now basically own Thanksgiving.
DNA testing requires a scientist and other professionals to perform tests that include the following words: nucleotide, haplogroup, chromosome and genetic marker. Statistical analysis and other higher math functions are performed when DNA percentages are determined, but why get bogged down in minutia? I have drawn my own conclusions. I think it’s more what you feel than what is actually revealed on a test result.
Frankly, I’m not surprised by the results. Deep down I’ve always known I was Native American. It was solidified after I saw Dances with Wolves. The Native Americans, who were called Indians in that movie, were extremely cool. They lived in tents, smoked pot and traversed rough terrain hunting, harvesting and cooking food over a fire. They also rode bareback on horses cantering at breakneck speed and shot and killed buffalo with homemade bows and arrows.
My Native American roots are so obvious to me now. No one has ever had to tell me where to find food or how to cook it. I got an award at Camp Manakin for sitting properly at lunch every day and eating everything on my plate. And I really like to camp and have even happily slept on the ground with nothing but a tarp and the stars overhead. I was only seven years old when I won the archery award at Camp Pittaway. There’s more. When my mom told me I was “behaving like a wild Indian” I took it as a compliment. At Camp Mont Shenandoah I exhibited excellent canoeing skills and almost won the canoe race. (Did you notice the camp theme? As the youngest of many, many children I attended a plethora of camps – suspiciously all of Native American name. Coincidence - I don’t think so.)
Also, have you ever seen an unattractive Native American? Did you see Last of the Mohicans? I will let you deduce on your own what I am hinting at here. Admittedly, the role of Magua and Chingachcook were played by actors but I think it’s reasonable to gloss over that fact.
One could argue that I am part Pilgrim since I am an ethnic potpourri. But I can’t imagine that any member of my DNA family tree would ever have worn those Mary Jane buckle shoes.
I’ve done a lot of research (mostly in my head) and concluded that according to the laws of political correctness I can celebrate everything from Boxing Day to Kwanza. I’m particularly interested in celebrating gift-giving holidays that involve large meals.
I would like to wrap up this politically correct ethnic potpourri article by reminding readers that everything in print can be considered absolute fact. I know this to be true, because I also edit Wikipedia.