Tuesday, April 19

My Neighbor's New Puppy - A Must Read Post

My neighbor Susan got a puppy.  It’s a yellow Labrador retriever.  His name is Buddy and he frolics.  Mid-morning, every day, Susan takes Buddy for a walk.  They set out down the sidewalk and Susan steps forward and something catches Buddy’s eye, he stops, takes a step in the opposite direction of Susan, turns and trots around in a circle with the leash following him, winding around Susan’s legs.  After Susan extricates herself from the leash/human knot, they start afresh and try again.  Susan walks in a straight line and Buddy trots off to the left, then zigzags across to the right, then stops, sits, then stands up, leaps forward and bounds down the street at breakneck speed with Susan trailing after him shouting “Buddy, walk, walk Buddy!”  Eventually Buddy walks again, but not in a straight line as instructed.
Susan and Buddy slowly make their way to the neighborhood puddle/pond.  Once Buddy is in eyesight of the puddle/pond and realizes his destination he lurches forward yanking the leash out of Susan’s hand and scampers straight into the puddle/pond.  Susan runs after Buddy again shouting “No Buddy! Not in the water!”  She grabs the leash, and holds tight, digging her heels in so that Buddy looks like a motorcycle doing a wheelie with his two front paws up in the air, scrambling to get in the water.  Susan disciplines Buddy and regains control.  This is the part where Buddy frolics.  He sniffs every possible sniffable object.  He barks at every ripple on the water and investigates every leaf on every bush.   Eventually they return home, both exhausted.  It is all very cute and entertaining for the innocent bystander.
Here’s my problem.  Cute, frolicking Buddy is awake and outdoors at 6:00 every morning.  I think I know why he is outside at that ungodly hour.  He barks and yelps, yips, yaps and then barks some more.  Cute, frolicking Buddy isn’t cute at 6:00 in the morning.  I would very much like to inform Susan that cute, frolicking Buddy’s yipping, yapping, yelping and barking is disturbing my sleep and is sincerely annoying and that is the nicest way I can say that.  There are many other words I could chose that would equally if not more accurately communicate my feelings, but I like Susan and Buddy does have a magnetic personality other hours of the day.
So, how in the heck do I resolve this problem?  I just don’t have the guts to go down there and tell her to bring her stinking dog inside in the morning.  What about this for an idea?  Don’t bring him outside to begin with?  Maybe he has to go puppy peepee so why doesn’t she just take him outside for that little bit and then bring him inside and stop waking me up every morning!  I had a neighbor that would use his leaf blower at 7:00am.  Waking up to the yelping dog is as irritating as waking up to the leaf blower.
My plan: post this to my blog.  Announce on Facebook and everywhere else I can think of that I have written a fabulous, well composed, salient piece of literature that surely must be read by all walks of life.  Since everyone is a human member of the all walks of life group, surely she will see or hear about this through this cleverly crafted social network viral campaign.
Another idea: if you know Susan and you live in my neighborhood, will you just go over there and tell her to shut her freaking dog up, but don’t tell her I told you to do it.


  1. Hey Susan, I don't know if you are aware that your very cute dog is outside at 6:00am....

    Oh you do know, well maybe you were not aware that he barks and whines outside at 6:00am....

    oh you are aware....

    oh so you put him outside at 6:00am because you want to slept late and you put him outside because you can't hear him and because you don't want the dog barking and whining inside and waking up you and your family.

    OK, well the problem is your very cute, barking, whining dog is waking me up at 6:00am and now that I have stopped going to Seal Team work outs, I like to sleep till 7:00am, so could you keep your cute dog inside till 7:00am.....

    Oh you can't do that because your dog needs to pee at 6:00am and is then wide awake and runs wildly through your house and you don't want the dog tearing up everything in the house while you sleep so the cute dog must stay outside until he has run out of energy.

    theforeignwife, I'm afraid there is nothing you can do except get a pair of ear plugs!!

  2. In Hong Kong, annoyed residents would leave meat la Ed with arsenic in the doggie parks. That could be your solution!