Satellite Smashes into the Earth. Maybe

I’ve packed water, flares and a tent. I’m just not sure where to go? There is a NASA satellite hurtling through space towards the planet Earth and no one seems particularly concerned but me. The satellite is bigger than a killer whale (but smaller than a humpback whale so somewhere in between the size of a killer and humpback whale). The target landing zone for the satellite is between 57 degrees north latitude and 57 degrees south latitude all the way around the globe. I checked more than once and the landing site is unnecessarily large for a whale-sized satellite. The latitudinal range includes many oceans, South America, North America, Europe and all of the destinations in Asia that I like to visit. Where will I go? More importantly, has anyone told the rest of the world that they reside in the target landing zone?

The satellite, known as the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite (UARS), was launched by the Space Shuttle Discovery to measure the effects of human and natural compounds in the ozone layer. Needless to say, NASA has conclusive evidence that humans are messing up their own atmosphere.

The satellite is expected to smash into the earth’s atmosphere on Friday the 20^th. The math is tricky and there is a wide margin of error for the smash date. It the satellite doesn’t hit Friday, it might come on Sunday, or possibly Saturday or maybe even Tuesday the 27^th but it will definitely get here before Halloween.

Although NASA is vague on the time, date and destination of the satellite, there is certainty that during re-entry the satellite will break up into exactly 26 separate pieces. The largest piece will be about the size of an adult dolphin.

I researched NASA’s website and selected the ‘NASA in Your Life’ heading under ‘News Topics’ and information regarding the impending collision is suspiciously absent.

I’ve seen this movie before. Initially NASA tries to cover up the details and downplay the severity of the event. Then someone like Jodie Foster blows the whistle and reveals critical details about the satellite and its trajectory. As the object gets closer to earth, the US government and NASA officials become increasingly desperate to find a solution. Finally, unlikely heroes step up to the plate. After his insightful advice during the BP oil disaster Kevin Costner will be a shoe-in to plan the rescue mission. Sigourney Weaver, with her experience in deep space will be a frontrunner to run the mission and the poor cosmonaut who was stuck on Mir should probably go as well. If only Jodie Foster would surface the critical details, then we would know where the satellite is going to land and I could plan my trip.

The satellite was designed to operate for three years but reminiscent of the MIR Space Station, the satellite has been in orbit since 1991. Amazingly, six of its ten original instruments still function. I’m hopeful that one of the remaining functional instruments is a guidance system. Then the mission master (Kevin Costner) could access the guidance system and steer the satellite to land in the ocean, or perhaps on Muammar Gaddafi’s compound.

As a precaution, over the next week, should you see something that looks like a dolphin falling from the sky, take cover.

Debate or Book Tour? Republican Presidential Primary Ponzi Tea Party Debate

I was lost in the first five minutes. I didn’t have the playbill for the cast of characters participating in the Republican presidential primary debate in Tampa. I couldn’t remember who was who or how they got to participate in the debate in the first place.

The cast of thousands included: Governor Rick Perry, Rep. Michele Bachmann, Rep. Ron Paul, former CEO Herman Cain, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, former Governor Jon Huntsman, former Governor Mitt Romney, former Sen. Rick Santorum, former dancer Bristol Palin, former tweeter Anthony Weiner and former President George Washington. There may have been a few more, a few less, suffice to say there were a lot of “dressed for success” people on stage.

The debate was hosted by CNN and the Tea Party Express. I’m so confused. Is the Tea Party Express a subsidiary of the tea party? Is it similar to Holiday Inn Express — you pay less, you get less?
I had no idea there was required reading for the presidential debate. I felt just like I did my sophomore year in college when I showed up the first day and hadn’t done the summer reading. I didn’t know that Romney, Perry, Paul, Santorum, Cain and Gingrich have all written books. Their books were referenced continuously during and after the debate. I didn’t have the books so I had a hard time keeping up with the discussion.
No one however, had the courage to bring up the obvious white elephant in the room. When did these elected leaders find time to write a book? Don’t they have a full time job already? Do their bosses know that they wrote a book? I knew someone who maintained two jobs at one time. He was never questioned; he always appeared busy at his desk. He was busy alright — busy collecting two checks. I tried to write a book and my husband came home every day to dirty laundry and frozen pizza for dinner. That didn’t last long. It was suggested to me (as if I didn’t know) that these authors had ghost writers. I just hope they don’t have ghost voters as well.
Cain, who is the former CEO of Godfather’s pizza, was the only participant in the debate who has not held public office. His books were never brought up during the debate. Even without his book, Cain made the only comment I fully grasped. Cain said, “I’ve been told by some people, well, you can’t get that done. I say why? Well, because you don’t know how Washington works. Yes I do. It doesn’t.” I hope Cain stays in the race just for the endless pizza jokes. “How long would it take Congress to cut a square pizza, with a round pizza cutter, into 17 equal parts?”
A lot of time was spent debating Social Security and Perry’s infamous “Ponzi scheme” statement but the real issue behind his statement was blatantly avoided. If the name “Social Security” was an accurate description of the federal program then it wouldn’t have nicknames. “Social Security” simply doesn’t work and neither does “Ponzi scheme” for that matter. The program no longer imparts a sense of security and none of the participants feel like being social. My suggestion is “Some Pay Into It — Some Take Out Of It” otherwise known as SPII - STOOI.
None of the people I polled watched the debate yet all of the people I polled like to watch TV. Some of the people I polled watched football, some watched the Miss Universe contest and the rest went to sleep.

Save the U.S. Postal Service: legalize mail order marijuana

When did the post office go bankrupt? I went on vacation a few weeks ago, so did I miss something? Every time I go to the post office there is a line five people deep. My post office seems like it has enough business to stay afloat. It isn’t like a pizza place in an ill placed strip mall. Indeed, even a poorly located pizza place can stay in business if it has delivery. Last time I checked, the post office delivers.
Who’s in charge over there? The Postal Service accumulated debt as a result of fewer people mailing letters. With the advent of email more than 20 years ago (remember Eudora?) the reduction in paper mail flow and revenue was a foregone conclusion. Bankruptcy should have and could have been avoided. The increase in email users and decrease in paper mail is no surprise – to anyone.
There have been a few suggestions to keep the postal service solvent. The obvious “save the post office” suggestion by raising the price of the stamp won’t significantly impact the escalating multi-billion dollar debt. Others have considered making the post offices more of a local meeting place, circa 1910. The post office would include retail shopping and a coffee shop and I think this is a great idea. I’m tired of buying overpriced but well-advertised coffee from mammoth corporations. I would much rather support the post office with my jolt of caffeine. But will they have a drive-thru?
My favorite “save the post office” suggestion thus far is an online system that would, for a fee, allow you to manage your snail mail. That’s right, you could pay money to go online to delete your paper mail from ever being delivered. I can’t explain the inherent electronic-versus-paper contradiction of this “save the post office” suggestion. I didn’t say it was a good idea, I just said it was my favorite.
Part of the reason that fewer people use mail is that they don’t like what shows up in their mailbox every day. It is estimated that 41 pounds of junk mail lands in each mailbox annually. Junk mail is of little interest to the recipient and generates less revenue than regular mail for the postal service. There was a time when a trip to the mailbox was exciting. Perhaps if the contents of our mailboxes were more compelling people might be encouraged to increase their use of snail mail.
My “save the post office” suggestion: legalize mail order marijuana. I guarantee mail usage would increase. I think there are a considerable number of Americans who would find a joint in their mailbox a compelling reason to use the postal service. The average household mail delivery would jump from 41 pounds to at least 82 pounds in one year. People would be standing by their mailboxes waiting for the postman. In fact, I project that the postal service would find itself flush with cash. (Hey, it’s a better idea than paying to manage snail mail online.)
Will the post office close down and reopen as a Uno’s pizza restaurant or perhaps Mail Boxes Etc.? More importantly, if the post office closes down, does this mean I have an excuse for not sending out Christmas cards? I’ve always been challenged by Christmas cards and this would be the ultimate excuse. “I’m sorry, I can’t send you a Christmas card, or even a gift because the post office is now a pizza place – that delivers.”