Tuesday, December 6

Out Herman Cain, enter Bobby Valentine

I feel like the class clown has been sent to the principal’s office and now the rest of us are all stuck in the classroom listening to the teacher.  The curriculum is complicated, the classwork is tedious and I just want the class clown, Herman Cain to come back and entertain.
I’m not ready for Cain’s departure and I’ll be so disappointed if he doesn’t participate in Donald Trump’s debate circus. If Cain could somehow show up for a cameo performance the entertainment value of the debate would take on epic proportion. Perhaps Cain could imitate Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine and return to the campaign in disguise. In 1999, as Manager of the Mets, Valentine was ejected from a game and snuck back into the dugout wearing an unsuccessful disguise that consisted of sunglasses and a mustache. If Cain just gets slightly more creative with his costume he might be able to pass himself off as a reporter or possibly a new Trump ‘apprentice’.
Cain’s book tour added liveliness and flair to an otherwise run of the mill race for the GOP presidential nomination. Many have chided Cain for his perceived moronic quips, but I quite enjoyed the distraction. Now we have no other choice but to pay attention to the issues and address the topics up for debate. There is no more excuse to argue over pizza toppings and ice cream.
One of my favorite Cainisms was his description of himself as an ice cream flavor “black walnut…which tastes good all the time.” Later, in an interview with GQ magazine Cain was asked “If Mitt Romney were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would he be?” Cain answered that former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney is "just plain vanilla." He went on to say that Texas Gov. Rick Perry is "rocky road" and Rep. Michele Bachmann is "Tutti-frutti. I know I'm going to get in trouble!"
Ice cream analogies I completely understand and can discuss at length. Tax code changes and foreign policy will require me to not only read the paper, but I might also have to form my own opinion. Cain was the perfect excuse to avoid serious discussion.
I was once asked in a job interview “What vegetable do you think you most resemble?” I delivered an eloquent speech likening the many artichoke leaves to the many layers of my complex personality and triumphantly concluded that in my core I was a person of great heart. The interviewer said it was the best response he had ever heard. I left the interview and decided that I would never work for a company that determined its employees professional abilities based on a vegetable analogy. My capacity to spin words and use a thesaurus reflects that I can talk the talk, not that I can walk the walk. Likewise, how can a presidential candidate be taken seriously when renaming other candidates as ice cream flavors.
Cain’s rich vocal tone and cadence, dramatic gestures and willingness to answer even the most puerile questions made him a highly entertaining candidate. However his ability to entertain and distract was no reflection of his capacity to perform the position of president of the United States.

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