Thursday, February 24

The Libyan Situation

The Libyan situation has become a dizzying array of lights, sounds and characters with similarly sounding confusing names.  I have offered you a straightforward and concise version of the facts.  This is a simple primer that puts the current conflict in context and subtly tells you what your opinion should be on the situation.

Libya is just to the left of Egypt.  Tripoli is the capital.  If you have gone to the wrong Tripoli, in Greece, you need to get on the E952 and start driving towards Kalamata (great place to pick up some olives on the way if you need a snack).  When you get to the water, you need to get to the other side.  That should be Egypt, now keep driving and Libya should be on your left, or right depending on the way you are facing.

In 1551 the Ottomans (not to be confused with the sofa/chair accesory) took over Tripoli because they wanted a place on the water.  They soon realized that they were surrounded by the Sahara desert which has become the subject of many ‘you can make it and then a few sympathetic characters die anyway’ films.  Then came wars with Italy and Turkey and Libya was a shambles.  In 1952 the UN told Sheik Idris to pull it together and Libya became an Independent state, and Idris named King.

Enter Mommar Gaddafi.  As a young Bedouin, Mommar had grown up listening to such music greats as “You Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hound Dog’ by Elvis Presley.  Mommar was captivated by Elvis and recognized the power of Elvis’s magnetic personality and captivating costumes.  Mommar knew that all he needed to lead the people of Libya was some Jheri Curl, a few well designed white suits and charm lessons.  He attended charm school in Athens, Greece (within driving distance of the other Tripoli) at the Hellenic Militarty Academy.  In 1969, armed with a new haircut and scarf, he waited until King Idris went out of town and told everyone that he was now the boss.  As boss he outlawed gambling and drinking and not to be outdone by Mao Tse Tung and his Little Red Book, Mommar made up his own Little Green Book.  This was probably a big mistake because it was a lot of reading with no drink or blackjack afterwards.

Mommar Gaddafi financed violence resulting in many fatalities during his leadership.  He is responsible for bad things which ended relations with England and the United States the details of which don’t warrant ink.

Mommar Gaddafi has 30 to 40 female bodyguards all of whom are virgins.  They are called the Amazonian Guard.   They are trained in martial arts and weaponry and he selects the body guards himself.  What a freak.

Many believe if Mommar Gaddafi had ever pulled a music video together, or even a theme song, his reign as boss may have been successful since his rule was founded on the principles and tenets of Elvis Presley.  Unfortunately, the current generation doesn’t remember Elvis Presley and Mommar’s current style doesn’t resonate with anyone.

Even an eight year old Libyan can use youtube and figure out that Mommar is not cool in any way.  With a little help from cell phones, Facebook, twitter and a little something I like to call, “talking to the person next to you” everyone decided to protest.  They protested on February 16th (waited two days so they wouldn't mess up Valentine's day) over a guy who was in jail over a human rights violation.  The protest included thousands of people in multiple cities with protestors chanting anit-government slogans.  One of Mommar’s sons from one of his many wives went on television trying to look scary threatening that "rivers of blood" would flow and instead he looked just as freaky as his father.

Mommar returned to his old methods and found anyone with a gun who accepted cash and got them to shoot the protestors.  This is pretty much where things stand right now.  Protestors without guns are being shot and killed by people with guns, most of whom are not even Libyan.  President Barack Obama has seen this movie before a la Rwanda.  President Bill Clinton publically stated that his biggest regret as president was not making more effort to prevent the horrific tragedies in Rwanda.  I think everyone is done with unarmed protestors being shot by mercenaries, especially at the direction of an old Elvis impersonator with an Amazonian Guard.

I would love to see Mommar Gaddafi and Kim Jong Il meet.  Two of the craziest leaders of our time in one room, pure insanity, total entertainment.  I was writing a book and have tossed that idea aside and I am now pouring all of my energy into a reality TV show starring non-other than Mommar Gaddafi and Kim Jong Il.  It would require a great number of translators but it would make for the best TV viewing in the history of TV. 

I used to think that Mommar belonged in jail, but now I think the greatest gift that Mommar Gaddafi could give the world is a reality tv show with Kim Jong Il.  The two of them could be set up in a house in Los Angeles.  They could bring all of their guards.  Then I would interview them.  Also, similar to The Bachelor or The Biggest Loser, competitions could be planned.  For example, they could compete against each other performing karaoke.    There would have to be a fashion competition, which would surely end in a tie given Kim Jong Il’s fantastic Elton John like fashion sense with his front zipper jackets, goggle size sunglasses and platform shoes. 

Don’t even think about stealing my idea because I just mailed it to myself and tomorrow I am going to copy write it.  The time spent crafting the show title and composing the theme song will entertain me for days……………………….

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