It was a banner year for super heroes. A record number of villains were brought to justice in less than twelve months. World renowned evil doers; Muammar Gaddafi, Hosni Mubarak, Osama Bin Laden and most recently Kim Jong Il exited the stage of breaking news and have now taken their place in world history alongside Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun.
However it now appears that there is some debate regarding Kim Jong Il’s level of evilness. Previously Kim was believed to enforce executions, mass starvation and forced labor camps. Recent news from North Korea seems to indicate that Kim’s reputation as oppressive communist dictator was a misperception by the western world and in fact he should not be included on the list of 2011 villains brought to justice.
Apparently Kim was a man of great intellect and displayed a dizzying array of talents. It really should come as no surprise that Kim had special talents as it’s now publically known that in nothing short of a miracle he was born on Mt. Paektu under the contradictory sky of a simultaneous bright star and double rainbow.
Kim’s list of talents is so long it’s hard to know where to begin. As a fashion icon he purportedly set global fashion trends that extended beyond the borders of North Korea. Oddly, no one in North Korea wore his fashion creations but North Korean government media reported that his style was imitated on all corners of the globe. Perhaps Kim is responsible for the very large sunglasses and platform shoes worn by Elton John?
He was also a natural athlete of unparalleled skill. North Korean government media reported that he was in fact one of the best golfers in the world. Kim was reported to have made five holes in one during his first round of golf (making him the first and only golfer in recorded sports history to have done so). It’s tragic that golf fans never had the opportunity to witness Kim play against Tiger Woods, his only real competition.
North Korean media was able to factually report Kim’s film talents because he was a prolific film producer and director. He was self-taught in the art of film production owning more than 10,000 movies and a movie studio. In 1978 he kidnapped Shin, one of his favorite directors and detained the director in North Korea for eight years while the two ‘collaborated’ on many films (including one on the life and times of Genghis Khan). Shin Sang-ok and his wife finally escaped in 1986. This story alone would make an excellent film plot however it seems likely that the actors, crew, director and producer of said film might also find themselves detained if the film ever made it to the screen.
Some reports of Kim’s extraordinary contributions to human history are so grand they are difficult to believe and one is forced to question either the news source or the legitimacy of the information. News outlets have reported that the North Korean government media stated that Kim Jong Il invented the hamburger, a pill that makes people taller and that he doesn’t defecate. It has also been said that he only eats grains of rice that are of equal length and requires official female staff to inspect each grain for quality assurance.
The real tragedy therefore is not Kim’s death, but rather that his great contributions to the planet were not recognized by the western world during his lifetime. It must have been his great modesty that prevented Kim from globally publicizing his fabulousness. Unfortunately it is only now that he is dead and unable to accept the applause, accolades or substantiate any of these fantastic assertions that the western world has learned of his true achievements.